


air your grievances

by NedandChuck



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Cathartic Yelling, First Kiss, M/M, i wrote most of this at work instead of doing my job, our favorite dumbasses trying to hack it with only one braincell between them, post 144 fix it (?) fic, this is me airing my frustrations for 1k+ words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 14:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19832020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NedandChuck/pseuds/NedandChuck
Summary: i got sad about martin in 144 and decided to cry about it





	air your grievances

“He told me to leave.”

Jon lifts his head to see the significant look that Daisy is directing at him and is practically out of his chair before she finishes her sentence. He rushes for the door, snatching his jacket from its hook as he storms out to the soft cooing noises of Daisy and Basira taking care of one another. It’s a struggle to push down the jealous pang that tries to overpower his happiness for the two women that he never expected to love as much as he does. There is someone in this institute that he wants so desperately to be that close to, someone who is apparently pushing others away for the pure sake of it now.

Of course Jon has known the entire time about Martin’s plans, his intentions behind his decision to joining ranks with Peter Lukas. Of course he does. Part of his becoming a monster enabled him to see that Martin is trying to protect his friends – trying, and Jon flushes at the thought, to protect him specifically. That same power also enables him to see that Martin’s reasoning is getting further and further from his original goal as Lukas tempts him further.

Jon Looks, the guilty feeling he always gets since he was begged not to lessened greatly by the knowledge that Martin is putting himself directly in danger. He finds Martin in his office, at his desk, angrily scribbling at some form or other.

When he bursts in the door the office is empty, but Jon knows better than to accept that at face value. “I know you’re here, stop hiding from me. I’m not going to leave until you talk to me,” when nothing happens, Jon refrains from sounding too childish or petulant as he says, “I’m serious Martin, come out.”

His demand is met, and a nervous laugh of relief bubbles up from Jon’s throat and out his mouth before he has time to stop it. Martin looks angry, which Jon understands and honestly expected, but he looks alright for the most part. He doesn’t even show signs of overwork, he just looks tired, frustrated, and angry in a way Jon has never, ever seen before, especially not directed at himself.

“What,” Martin demands, more of a shout than a question, “What could you possibly want, Jon? I already asked you and Daisy to leave me alone, why can’t you just do that!”

“I would,” Jon says, swallowing around the emotion bubbling in his chest, “if I thought you had a handle on this. But I don’t believe you do anymore.”

Martin’s scowl deepens, and he opens his mouth to argue, but Jon holds up a hand and continues speaking hurriedly before he can.

“I know why you did it. I know, and Martin it was so brave, but it was also stupid. I know a thing or two about being stupid, and I just want you to be okay, to know that you don’t have to isolate yourself or put yourself in danger and become an avatar - become something monstrous in order to help us. You do much better as our friend, with us reminding us what it means to be human.”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

Jon is taken aback by Martin’s bitter tone. He had thought he had vocalized his feelings rather well, and can only blink in stunned silence as he watches Martin’s face get more and more stormy. 

“So you’re the only one of us that’s allowed to risk life and limb to save other people? Do you have any idea how selfish that is? I’m constantly worried about you, I can’t get any work done whenever you go off to do the next stupid life risking thing because I am so scared that I will never see you again and all that I am doing will have been for nothing. Do you have any idea,” Martin’s voice cracks, and Jon lets out a sympathetic whimper, “Do you have any idea how hard it is to be the hopeful one? I can’t be anyone’s connection to humanity if losing you would sever mine completely.”

He’s about run out of steam, his face is red and pulled tight in an effort not to cry, and he looks defeated, but he keeps going, his voice so soft Jon isn’t sure if he is meant to hear it.

“I can’t stop if stopping would put all of you at risk. Jon,” Martin gives Jon a serious look all of a sudden, “I know you know, but I love you. I’m in love with you and I can’t lose you, not again.”

“Martin,” Jon doesn’t know how he is planning on finishing, doesn’t know how to force words out of his overemotional brain and uncooperative mouth. Eventually, he softly manages, “I’m so sorry.”

“No,” the response just sounds tired, like someone who has had the same fight again and again with the same results each time and is tired of going through it. Except the two of them have not talked in months, and definitely not enough to get this far into this argument. “No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled. I know that’s just who you are, it’s just… It’s hard, Jon.”

“I know.”

It’s as if they are having a competition to see who can speak the most quietly, because it is almost inaudible when Martin continues, “I miss you.”

Jon chokes on Martin’s name as it spills out of his lips, seemingly impossibly loud in contrast to how quiet their conversation had become when both of them finished yelling. “You know I miss you too. You have to know that. You’ve listened to my tapes.”

He makes a frustrated noise in response and lifts his shoulders in an awkward, half hearted shrug like he doesn’t believe Jon. “I suppose? I know that you want more people on your team but I guess that I thought,” Martin hesitates, making some motion that doesn’t mean anything, except maybe that he can’t keep his hands in place, “I thought that you’ve never needed me on your team before now, not alongside you, not really. I’m helping you through my deal with Peter, that’s what I can do.”

“It’s hurting you, Martin,” Jon feels the frustration flood back into his voice, “You don’t have as much control over this as he does, and you’re becoming Lonely.”

“I was always lonely, Jon. That’s why I was such easy prey.” Jon can feel his heart breaking at the easy way Martin says it.

“I’m so sorry, Martin.”

And then, unsure of what else he can do, Jon closes the small distance between them, winds his hand in Martin’s hair, and hesitates a hair’s breadth from Martin’s lips.

The other man had made a noise of surprise at the sudden movement, but when Jon pulls him in he only whines helplessly at the distance that is being kept between them – at once impossibly wide and impossibly close. Jon lets out a breathy laugh and presses his lips to Martin’s, trying to pour out every word that he cannot vocalize until Martin understands exactly how much he needs him by his side.

He doesn’t have anything too pressing to attend to, he can do this for as long as it takes. 


End file.
